GET A LAWYER

So, this site doesn't give legal advice and then has a "Legal Advice" page? Yup. You need legal advice, just not from me, not from Anonymous2 or HelpfulMama1981 on internet forums. You need to speak to at least one lawyer, maybe more. You really, really need to. 

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I'm not made of money

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Do I know how much lawyers cost? Absolutely. Do I realise that divorce is expensive enough and you're worried that you're already staring down a tunnel of financial ruin with no light at the end and then I'm suggesting you fork out for a lawyer? Don't I know that the very reason you're online looking for advice in the first place, is to save money? 

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experts save confusion..​

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I know you're not looking to spend unnecessarily and I understand you don't know what's ahead and you want some advice before you make financial decisions. The thing is, you need advice that's helpful. You need succinct, precise advice about your situation. Your lovely ExpatMumFriend, as well as Anonymous2 and HelpfulMama1981 mean well, but their advice is based on their own experience, or hearsay. Any advice that is not specific to your situation, will result in more confusion, at best.

 

..and money

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At worst, following advice that is not tailored to your personal financial situation could actually cost you an awful lot of money in the long run. Advice that doesn't take your situation into account can also and have consequences impacting your retirement - including your ability to retire. 

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an investment in sanity

 

Divorce is stressful. Everybody knows that. It's one of the most stressful experiences in life. Fear of divorce when you're living abroad, especially when you have children, takes that stress to level we don't have words for. If you are not fully fluent in the language where you're resident, then just getting an understanding of local family law online can be nigh on impossible. Visa issues, financial issues, tax issues, spousal maintenance and/or child maintenance issues, property rights and childcare plans are all hugely important and all of them will require a level of decision making. Each one also dovetails into another. How on earth are you supposed to figure all of this out alone?

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which jurisdiction​

 

And then there's jurisdiction. This means which country's family law applies to your marriage and now divorce. Where did you get married? Did your marriage contract change when you became resident in your current country? Does the law you got married under still apply? Can you get divorced in your country of residence under a different country's family law? Can you also apply a foreign law to your children, or is it only the law of the country of your (their) residence that applies to them? Do they have multiple nationalities? Does this make a difference? Did you sign a prenuptual agreement? Does the country you're resident in pay attention to prenups? If reading this is stressful, your feelings are properly calibrated: it is stressful. 

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​​what does it even matter?

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If you are lucky, jurisdiction doesn't matter. If you are unlucky, you might find that while you have facilitated your spouse's career by staying home with your children - the children of both of you - in a different jurisdiction, you're no longer entitled to any of his pension. Or the spousal maintenance that was part of your marriage contract and would help support you while you get back in the job market, is halved. It could impact your right, or not, to remain in the family home. Jurisdiction could impact how taxes are calculated. It can dictate how child maintenance is calculated and collected. Your ability to return to your home country with your children could be severely impacted by the jurisdiction that applies to your marriage and/or your children.

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and breathe..

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I'm talking to myself now: breathe. Wiggle the toes. Shoogle the shoulders. Just thinking about jurisdictions stresses me out and I don't even have it ahead of me anymore. So, look, you can definitely get a lot of information online. What is very hard, however, is to know exactly which bits apply to you, in your specific circumstances. And, also, which bits don't. 

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a masterclass in your situation

 

So, you can find out all about your personal situation, by studying law, and then gaining experience with a local law firm that works with divorces of your nationality. Then you can do it again, in the country you got married in. And again, in the country of your birth. Or, you can consult an expert in the field for advice. Who is the expert? A divorce lawyer, also known as a family lawyer. The easiest option is to start with one local to you, especially if you are legally resident there (rather than on an extended holiday - and if you're in a country illegally, well, divorce is probably the least of your problems). Ideally you need to look for one who works with foreigners. This is where you realise the 'international' part of 'international divorce lawyer' usually refers to working (also) in English and agreeing to consult with peers abroad who work in the same way. Then book an hour with them. If that is financially impossible, then look to see if there is free legal advice offered for people on lower incomes/benefits. Some lawyers will offer a free half hour. Some countries have legal drop-in clinics for those on limited incomes. Critical at this point is to remember: you're not going there to get divorced. You're going in order to understand what options you have in getting divorced. Once that is done, you may need to speak to a lawyer in the country you got married in, or where you're from, or where you hold assets. But start local, purely because that's the easiest. Where there's a simple path, take it!

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So a lawyer, just for an hour

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So, you see, 'get a lawyer', doesn't mean you're about to drop thousands. It doesn't mean you're about to get your divorce either. It only means that you're going to arm yourself with information about your situation. You need expert advice on your particular situation in order to make an informed decision. Anonymous2 and HelpfulMama1981 may sound confident and they think they're the experts, but they're not. The only expert in this situation, is a divorce (family) lawyer. It might be handy to view the hour as an investment in your future, rather than "OMG the lawyer costs $$$ for an hour!" because I can promise you, that whatever they charge, it is cheaper to your stress levels than going round in circles from the 'advice' online. ​