Hello!

The websites said it could be six months. The lawyers said it was technically possible in six months. It was a bit of a shock when it took almost eight years - yes, years - from saying the magic words, "I want a divorce" to the divorce being finished.

 

A lot of energy was spent in confusion, as I tried to understand which country's laws applied in my situation and how they would be applied if we were living in another country. I can't sugarcoat it, it was horrible. 

 

First, the internet, then the lawyers​

 

First I turned to the internet. I asked questions, lots of questions. I was in parenting forums where other mothers abroad discussed getting divorced. I read so many 'international divorce lawyer' and immigration lawyer websites I could have written one myself. And I could not figure it out. 

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Why didn't I go to a lawyer? I did. I spoke to a lawyer. And another lawyer. And another. Some in different countries. They were 'international divorce' lawyers. They were helpful, but only to a point: I was expecting 'international divorce' legal advice. I had not yet understood that there is no such thing. 

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Going back in time

 

Zipping back a bit, I had known about divorces happening abroad for over a decade. I’d moved abroad after university and soon became vaguely aware of some awful situations that foreign women – mothers, in particular, who had moved abroad for their husband's well-paid work – found themselves in. But it was far removed from the fun, carefree life of my early twenties. Theirs seemed like a different world to mine. 

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Travelling back even further in the time machine, my 'local' father and 'foreign' mother divorced and then my 'local' father moved overseas. I became acutely aware that local laws didn't apply to a parent living abroad. As a child it was of course all normal for me. As an adult, I look back and think that none of my friends had to wonder if they’d be kidnapped if they visited their other parent. ​

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Being well-placed, or not...

 

Fast forward to my own divorce. With 'all' my prior knowledge, I actually thought I was well-placed for it to go smoothly and not to end up in any shocking or confusing situations. It should be relatively straightforward, right?

Cue the evil laugh!

 

It gets complicated..

 

First there was a bureaucratic storm. Sit down and prepare yourself. This gets complicated. We got married in Country A, my ex's home country. We lived in Country B. I'm from Country C. Days before getting married, we had signed a contract to make Country A's law apply to our marriage contract no matter where we lived (it's often the law of the country you're resident in, not the country you marry in, that applies to your marriage contract and we didn't want that..in hindsight, however..).

 

In the meantime we had moved to Country D, where we wanted to get divorced, where we both were residents, but neither had the nationality. Now, if you're still following, strap yourself in, because the complication is going up a notch. 

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..and even more complicated..

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Ready? Ok, let's carry on (or read the TLDR at the top of the page!). Because I was not a citizen of Country A and we were not living there, we could not apply for divorce in Country A, despite having signed that contract. We would have to get divorced in Country D, applying the law of Country A. The problem? Judges and lawyers have studied and qualified in their own country's law. Think about it - Polish lawyers study and qualify to practice in Polish law, not Malaysian law. So, lawyers in Country D were not qualified to practice the law of Country A. This meant engaging an 'international divorce' lawyer in Country D and an 'international divorce' lawyer from Country A for consultation. It was crazy. And if you think "Oh, but that doesn't make sense." Trust me, it does, I am just sharing the 'highlights', otherwise we'll be here all day. 

 

..and it's not over yet!

 

Deep breath, it's not over yet. I was on a spousal visa. Would I be able to remain in Country D if I was no longer married? The immigration department couldn't guarantee that: maybe yes, maybe no. An immigration lawyer was more reassuring, but still no guarantees. Now, if you want to exponentially add stress to an already stressful situation, add in a possibility of deportation without your children!

 

Lawyers are experts in their field

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I spoke to more to lawyers (plural, different countries). The bottom line, however, was I could only ask what I knew to ask and the lawyers could only answer according to their field of expertise: their country's family law. That is a very good thing! I wanted lawyers who were experts, not dabbling in or offering advice about law they're not qualified in - after all, I could get that sort of legal advice from Anonymous2 and HelpfulMama1981 online for free! In practice, for me, this meant the questions I asked were crucial to getting the advice I needed for my situation. As an example: lawyers in two different countries could say, “Assets will be divided equally between parties”. Pretty straightforward, right?

 

Unknown unknowns

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Now, what happens when I tell you that one of those countries views pensions and inheritance as communal assets (owned equally both parties) while the other country does not. The other country does not consider pensions as assets, and considers 'dividing equally' to apply after each party receives back any inheritances they used to help buy, say, the family home. So, I understood what 'dividing equally' meant, but I did not initially know to ask for specifics. I could not ask questions about 'unknown unknowns' and lawyers therefore could not answer those questions. The lawyers equally could raise these issues, only where they were aware of them too. 

 

Where the idea for this site came from

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So that is where the idea for this site came from.  

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After my divorce, I saw women in the situation I’d been in, being given incorrect legal advice online, week after week, forum after forum, across different countries. They asked the same questions I had asked and got an equally wide range of well-intentioned, simple-sounding, but confusing answers. Adding my voice in these places, advising them to consult a lawyer, while others told them it wasn't necessary, just do what they did (in different circumstances) simply added to the wall of confusion on their screen. 

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THE Site's AIM 

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I decided to gather all the information I wished I'd had at the beginning of getting divorced abroad and put in it one place. Hopefully if you're here, the information on this site will help you leapfrog a large part of the confusion I experienced and enable you to quickly find and directly focus on the issues that are relevant to you. The site is largely aimed at women with children, many of whom will have moved abroad either to join their spouse in his home country, or moved for his work. The information, however, will be relevant to almost everybody divorcing abroad. This site will be updated with expanded information over the coming months. 

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​The ending - well done, you made it!

 

If divorce is the right path for you, then I wish you the most boring and predictable journey ahead. May your path be straight, your hills flattened and your distance short. 

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Anna

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A little PS: If you're reading this thinking, "Nah, Anna, come on, you've made mistakes here, or you're telling little porkies, exaggerating for the internet." then I should say that I kind of wish I was. There are, however, many more details to this story, but I'm only including the pertinent ones!